Me and My Monkey

Just what you need: a system that embeds an IC chip in your local monkey so you can get an e-mail when saru-san nears your home.

NTT West Corp., meanwhile, is developing a system in which integrated circuit tags can be placed on monkeys in the area to keep track of their whereabouts. When the tags--and therefore the monkeys--approach a field, the IC chips will inform locals by sending an e-mail to their cell phones.

From the DY story under a headline that reads: Pesky Critters Plague Farmers (Use a voice from one of the Beverly Hillbillies --preferably Granny-- when you say that.)

Update 2006.07.27:
The more I think about it (and I have a long commute with nothing better to do than listen to npr now that Marc Maron is off the air again), the less sense this story makes. Shouldn't the notification e-mail from the monkey be sent to the dog, not the farmer? The farmer, after all, could be off at the feed store, in town, over at his cousin's, or working another field. Not to mention that most rural areas are outside the range of cell phones, anyway. The dog could have a cellphone collar that would give a bowlingual version of the message, specially crafted to appeal to the dog's sense of adventure and love of military hierarchy. "K-9 Unit 1! Simian Intruder in Sector 7! Peaches and lettuce threatened! Report at once, and repel intruder!" The kennel could be automatically unlocked at that point.
Or is this monkey-vs-farmer (agrosimian? What's the adjective here?) issue really a telecommunications problem? Just as every problem looks like a nail if you are a hammer, every problem looks like a telecommunications problem if you are NTT. It seems like we could all take the advice of progressive rocker Peter Gabriel and just "Shock the Monkey", if that is OK with everybody. Am I missing something? If you implant the IC chip, why not wire the monkey's pain and pleasure centers, to create a monkey cyborg? Wouldn't that be better than being pestered with monkey mail?
Some readers (or "my one reader") may wonder why I am wasting my time considering this issue, while Southwest Asia (a.k.a. "Middle East" in early British colonial-speak) is at war. Rest assured that considerable neuronal resources are being directed at this problem as well. Current solutions under consideration do not involve the use of cyborg monkey armies, although I will concede that such solutions are underutilized in contemporary military practice, particularly Iraq, where the National Guard is a poor substitute for the robust and flexible simian intellect. My solutions will be revealed shortly, when the world is a little riper and readier for them. I should probably delete my profile, go under deep cover, so that Mossad, Hiz'b'allah, or Halliburton "Dick" Cheney doesn't come to slit my throat. Not to worry, though, my solution is so sensible and reasonable that it will not be able to receive serious consideration by the reality-impaired principle parties to the dispute.