An Interview with Hare Brane

A news item originally published in Current Biology and reported in New Scientist and Science Daily in early and mid-April documented the differences in cooperative problem-solving between chimpanzees and bonobos. New Scientist reported:

Brian Hare of the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, Germany, and colleagues tested how well chimps and bonobos coped with challenging social situations. Bonobos, they found, were more likely to share a plate of food, using play or sex to defuse social tensions. In contrast, chimps' more limited social skills meant one individual was more likely to take all the food.

The research was led by Brian Hare of the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology. Unable to contact Mr Hare, and waste his time, I mistakenly contacted instead a persistent critic of Mr Brian Hare, his arch-nemesis, Dr Harry "Hare" Brane, Senior Research Fellow at the Brane-Phardt Institute's Center for Applied Primatology in Washington, DC. I spoke with Mr Brane at length. He was unable to hear me, however, due to the fact that the interview was conducted by e-mail. I should say at the outset that the Brane-Phardt Institute is considerably less prestigious than the Max Planck Institute, being funded entirely by donated methane emissions and unused processor cycles contributed by concerned and sympathetic –or simply pathetic– scientists. It is less a "Think-Tank" than a "compost heap of discarded thoughts and ideas". You too can help support Brane-Phardt, just by thinking about it.

I wondered whether resemblances (in the inability to solove problems by sharing) to the Deer Leader, our Chimperor-in-Chief, were accitentional, or purely interdental. Also, is this evolutionary divergence happening all over again, and would the bonobo and chimpanzee make better animal mascots for the two main political parties, despite W's ability to remember and revenge every insult, and John Kerry's uninspiring donkeyness? I meant to ask Hare Brane these questions, but the interview was conducted by the Vancouver staff.

Q.
> Could you explain all the back scratching the Republipanzees do?
> You know, I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine. Is it vital
> to their survival?

A.
Republipanzees (Chimpublicans) do have some bonobo characteristics,
but differ from Demobonobos (Bonocrats) in that the Republipanzees
are willing to consider limited cooperation and conspire to work
together for the benefit of a small group of dominant alpha males.
That is, a small group of hairless tailless fire-monkeys will
cooperate with each other in order to steal from the masses of fire-
monkeys, and defend their privileged status collectively. They
cooperate with others in order to improve their domination or
exploitation of the greater hive. The difference, in other words,
comes from the large-scale hierarchies and social strata created by
hairless tailless fire-monkey hives.
Demobonobos, in contrast, while respectfully navigating these strata,
claim that their bonocratic alpha-males are defending rights of the
hairless tailless fire-monkeys who have previously been exploited by
Republipanzee violence. Another difference is that Demobonobos primarily
conspire in order to have extra sex and play without the knowledge of
other fire-monkeys, not to extract more resources.
These two major strains of fire monkey dominate terrestrial mammalian
orders on the mid latitudes of the North American continent.
Elsewhere, other primatological curiosities abound. Anarcho-rangutans
seek the elimination of all hierarchies and the violent control of
fire-monkey over fire-monkey, as represented by the anthropoid State,
used to unite groups of fire-monkeys in violent competition with
other bands of bipedal primates. These state formations are
frequently represented with an emblem, or flag, which hairless
tailless fire-monkeys display to demonstrate their submission to the
alpha males' power structure. Green-headed fire-monkeys strive for the
creation of a lush global forest with liberty, renewable energy, and
ample bananas for all.

In direct response to your query, the answer is yes. Republipanzees
have limited intellectual and moral faculties and can only survive by
banding together to form parasitic, exploitative social formations,
often seeking to gain armed control of vital public resources.

2007 04 14, at 1:36 PM:
Q.
Can they all survive or will one die out from competition of limited resources? The more selfish Republipanzees, by excluding others seem to ensure enough for their own survival, the sharing types may not keep enough for themselves. Remember it is a jungle out there.

A.
Because of their genetic weaknesses, and dependence on a source of exploitable worker-monkeys, one might think the Republipanzees to be in danger of extinction. This is far from the truth. The exploitable fire-monkeys are ample, the Republipanzees have squirrelled away heaps of resources, and when faced with starvation, they will reorganize into smaller cliques and casually cannibalize their former comrades. For this reason, they are thought to face no danger of extinction. Mr Bush is seldom seen together with Mr Cheney for this very reason: the danger that the larger and more aggresive Mr Cheney will attack and eat Mr Bush and his pudding-like brains during a lapse in Bush's wariness. Republipanzees' geographical isolation on the central latitudes of the North American continent is their greatest weakness. A nuclear or asteroid strike on their limited habitat is thought to pose the only credible threat to their existence.

Demobonobos are also so numerous, breeding rather quickly, and possess such a wide range of genetic diversity, that they are also in no danger of extinction.

Anarchorangutans were once thought to be extinct, but they periodically emerge from urban centers, mountains, islands, and other unlikely isolated locales, where they seem to breed underground. It also appears that spontaneous mutations of the Republipanzees and Demobonobos can produce Anarchorangutans on occasion.

The Green-headed hairless tailless fire-monkeys are also increasing their range from central, western, and northern Europe to small roving bands worldwide. They are unlikely to go extinct in all of these locations.

Apr 16, 2007, at 8:48 AM:
Q.
How about if the Republipanzees are assimilated into being Demobonobos? If interbreeding was done wouldn't the fewer Republipanzees eventually disappear? The attractive Demobonobos just have to seduce the Republipanzees until they die out and disappear – just like the Neanderthals.

A.
This approach has promise, and is currently being experimented with in a long-term study by Demobonobo Marian Schriber with her research subject, great ape-Repubabboon and Kaleefåüwnya Gubernator Arnholt Schnauzerschnitzel. Initial results indicate a maturing and softening of the Republipanzee tendencies even in the first generation. Long term study is needed to determine if antisocial Republipanzee traits recur in the offspring or second generation. Because of the sexual and playful strategies available to Demobonobos, they have an advantage in this area. Vigorous and repeated couplings with Republipanzees may placate them and exhaust their aggressive tendencies. This approach should be combined with birth control and safe legal abortion to limit the number of any Republipanzee throwbacks that may result. Researchers are cautiously optimistic, but the widespread revulsion of Demobonobos for Republipanzees limits this approach unless advanced techniques such as bondage and SM are employed. Fortunately for researchers in this area, Republipanzees, despite their amoral character, retain some residual "human" characteristics which cause them to feel guilt and crave punishment, which also sexually excites them. A number of Demobonobos are thought to also enjoy delivering punishment to particularly deserving neocon-macaques.